midsummerxnite

crashing waves.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 08:11:21 GMT

I went to the beach tonight alone to help clear my mind. I didn't really get to clear my mind, but it helped put me at ease about things.

im a wild thing.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 06:29:06 GMT

It's funny how everything that used to matter doesn't matter anymore. And the negatives only became stronger.

I really wanna know how this year will end. I wanna know if I'll FINALLY, for once in my life, be able to make the correct fucking choices. The sad thing is, before, the correct choice was something I would NEVER have been able to do. Now, having gone through something close to this, the correct choice seems like the only logical, yet fucking painful, way out.

Basically, screw the New Year for resolutions. I don't know what they were last year, but I know for sure they didn't happen. I'm starting now. I have a clear idea of what - want from my life, at this point in time. I know that wants change, but that's only because people change. And people changing lies at the core of the problem. That's why I've gotta make the decisions now.

Love always.

seasons.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 16:08:40 GMT

The weather, as gray as it may be, looks beautiful to me right now.

And the cold! I'm in love with the cold!

This will be a good month.

time is a killer and savior.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:01:12 GMT

I think back to events in my life when I didn't know how I'd ever recover from them. And the more time that's passed, the better I am. For instance thinking about what went down two years ago exactly, I used to cry and ask whywhywhy. Thinking of those things now, I smile. Why? Because even though I may not fully understand the purpose for such painful occurences, I see how they have brought me to this point, and I just a little bit begin to see how our decisions shape the developments of our lives. And better yet? They don't bring pain or anger. All that's been filtered out by time. All they bring is a smile at how young, naïve, and stupid I was, and at what had happened, the good moments.

The reason I bring this up is because I am at that point with another event from my life. And goddamnit, it's been a long time in the making.

I feel so good.

the sky is gray. and i kinda am too.

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:47:33 GMT

There are worse things that have happened or could have happened. It's just a slight shock and a lot of pain.

But u know what? We're all fine. And we'll all be okay. Life doesn't end. It feels like the end but it really isn't. I didn't see that then but i know it now.

I just put on a smile and take what life gives me, thankful for the past and excited about the future. I don't know whats in store, but I know better than to ask. I don't need to know, because no matter what the future may bring, it's only for the best.

These are pretty different feelings from what I used to write about in here when I didnt think I could ever go on. Turns out I could, and I'm doing a damn fine job at it too.

It's Fall. Halloween's coming up. Christmas and the new year after, and the month of January should be quite the emotional roller coaster. I can't say I'm ready for even one of those things, but I'm making the best of dealing with the memories and trying to move past them.

Love Always.

its that time again.

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 07:07:43 GMT

Here it is. Fall. Back to school. Work, school, work, school, and less time for the etc.'S in my life.

This years is different though. This year I've got memories of years past, and yet I'm living in a whole new scenario. It's been a cool minute, but it still feels weird as hell.

I've been learning a lot lately, a lot about everything. Growing up too. I think it was time to grow up a while ago. There just wasn't a reason to, no push. Then all of a sudden there was a reason and a push, and it just happened.

I'm enjoying life lately. I must say, I had been through a lot, and I think at a certain point either I did something right, or the universe did something right for me, but everything changed, brought me to this point, and its finally a point where I'm comfortable and happy.

It took a while.

Peace and love, always.

Adieu.

its been a minute since i posted.

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 19:32:55 GMT

Here I am. Safe and sound. Moved out of my parents house, in with my love n two friends. It's been great. Got a bunny too haha, her names Nikki and she's just the sweetest little baby ever!

I don't really have much to say except for: 2009, could u have changed me and my life anymore than you already have?

Love and Peace, people, always.

4 years go down the drain.

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 05:55:00 GMT

And I've never been happier.

Thanks for the lessons <3

im ready. imreadyimreadyimreadyimready.

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:00:13 GMT

I think if i keep telling myself that, it'll somehow turn into the truth.

Their last show in LA, for god knows how long, or maybe even ever, is tonight. And ill be attending, along with a certain somebody. Whom I do not want to attend with, but I'm not left with much of a choice due to a number of factors which I'm to lazy to list.

It's the week before the Fall Semester ends. I've got finals next week. Somehow all my semesters come to a close at the LACC Library. I always get all thoughtful and decide to update my livejournal.

So thinking about the past year makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Hard. How could I be so stupid? So useless? So un-productive? So wasteful? So concerned? So... everything that I've been for the past year???

I mean, I promised myself, along with another important person, that after this, I'll be ready for that long-awaited goodbye. Like I said to her, letting go is difficult. But not letting go hurts so much more. I think I'd rather go with what causes less pain. Plus, I need to let go at some point. Sooner's come and gone a long way back; i'm left with later, and I'm taking it.

LA's been fucking with my lately. Mocking me. The weather was pretty shitty for about a week and a half, and it barely screwed with me. Either I've become immune to shitty weather, or it is indeed fucking with my heart.

So I really don't know what else to say. 2009 is 20 days away. I can't wait much longer. I'm so ashamed of myself for everything I had said about 2008 and then never making any of it happen. But like someone important said to me, "you had no control". Which is true. I couldn't help it. I tried, I really did, but in the end, the order of the universe took it course and things happened which I might not agree with, or like. But the fact is that those things did happen. It wasn't a nightmare, it was reality. And I've grown SO much as a person through those experiences. I've also become quite the cynic. But all it is, is the foundation for future experiences. Lord knows that this isn't all of the tough matter-of-the-heart shit that I'll be going through in my life. There'll be more to come. But having gone through the year long ordeal, i now know so much, which i wouldn't have even given a thought to, ha i not had it all happen to me.

So enough of that. I'm planning on taking a 3-4 day trip from like January 4-8. Where to though? Santa Barbara? The Grand Canyon? San Diego? I'd LOVE to say Frisco again, but that requires more planning, and more time, which I do not have, since all the reservations for the trip will be made on like January 2nd or so. I'd love to go out of state, but I doubt I'll be flying and the drives too long. So it's a work in progress. But I can't wait. It'll be a great start to what will hopefully become, for real this time, a great year....

So. I don't know when I'll be updating this thing again. But it'll most definitely be before the New Year.

<3

i miss it.

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 07:08:14 GMT

a lot :(

why the fuck

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 08:10:40 GMT

Did he ask me to hang out on Halloween? Why is he back into my fucking life? Why do people always remember shit so fucking late?!?! Why did he say he'd rather spend Halloween with me than go to a club? WHY THE FUCK?

And on another note, Al gave me his number. And invited me to a party on Halloween where the fucking PUSSYCAT DOLLS and like some other famous as shit people will be playing. Whoahhhhhh.

Life just got a whoooooooooooole lot shitty and interesting all at once.

But, fuck it. FUCK IT ALL. I'm done with believing people and I'm done with trying to make things work. If u hurt me, and now you're back, I'll hurt you too. That's a promise.

This is INSANE!

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 15:24:03 GMT

Ok, here's a list of all the celebs I've seen in the past 3 WEEKS:

Carmen Electra
Brendan Fraser (sp?)
Justin Long
Jennifer Aniston
John Mayer
Al Pacino
Kirsten Dunst
Pete Wentz
Marcia Cross
Pauly Shore
Rihanna

and so this is just odd. I've lived here for 13 years and yet I've seen more famous folks in 3 weeks then I've seen in the whole time put together that I've lived here!

But yeah. It's kinda depressing to see them cuz u just realize how much u wish u were in their shoes, if only just to see what it feels like.

a year.

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 15:33:41 GMT

It was a year yesterday. Time flew. I remember it all vividly.

But words don't do any justice to the experience. The memories do, but I can't transfer them onto this.

Therefore I won't write about it. It's pointless.

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 06:21:02 GMT

I guess people remember you when they see you. I guess they don't remember what they liked about you until they see you again, and then u remember.....

I didn't want a visit, I didn't want a fucking "surprise" like that. For heaven's sake it's been a year and I wasn't the one to let go, so fuck it, don't come back, it's a difficult situation as it is.

And what's up with letting me know you love me? First off I don't believe it for a second cuz actions do say more than petty little words, second whoaahhhh cud u have found a better time?! Damn people fucking have to straighten out their priorities.

Anyways it's been a slightly difficult week thus far, in terms of family and in terms of reminiscing. Some things I can't seem to let go of. I've tried. I know I've tried, everyone fucking knows I've tried. I'm STILL waiting to feel normal again.......... but I've got NY to look forward to. It'll be soon enough, just barely two years left in LA. Which, I'm surprised to say, I'll be missing... the ocean, the weather, the views, the memories, lol. Well, life's taken many surprising turns for me, and I'm sure it;s not done yet, so we'll see how things go..

Till then, I bid you adieu..... just kidding, only till the next time I'm not too tired or worn out to write. :)

i feel like i've got a whole lifetime to write about.

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 05:38:23 GMT

So many thing have happened lately that it's almost too much to write about!

So school started again and all. It's fun, I feel good to back within the confines of a classroom every Tuesday and Thursday morning. But, thing is, I also work like a fucking dog lately. Although I'm not complaining, I love it and it's keeps me HELLA FUCKING BUSY so it's all hood.

So I've been learning a lot of lessons lately, mainly because I didn't really practice what I preached, if you know what I mean. Like, I always said I don't trust a single fucking soul, but yet here I was, letting the world know all this shit they shouldn't know. To be quite honest, I'm thinking it's because I just don't give too much of a fuck what the non-important folks think of me, but also because I think that prolly like 87% of the shit I say to the people I spend the MOST time around (aka my co-workers) is just me talking rightttt out my fucking asss. I say so much shit to them, I can't even keep up with it. But these dumbasses fucking take it seriously. Whatever, it's pretty much my fault for opening my mouth (as always, haha) but like, shit happened at work cuz of the twisted relationships that form there, and so I just decided not to get close to single person there, and just be fucking mute for the time that I'm at work everyday. It'll only do me good, haha. Ha and then when I'm quiet, all of s sudden everybody is asking me "Are you okay?", or "You seem sad.", or "Wow you're really thoughtful today, aren't you?" ... FUCK YOU I'm just fucking sick of telling you shit to have you start rumors and spread bullshit around you fucking gossip-loving douches!

Hahaha anywaysssss, so as I mentioned in the last post, they've moved back to NY and all I want is to fucking be in NY. It's gotten SO much worse than it ever was with San Francisco. I dream of NY. I fucking walk down the street and imagine how it'll be to walk down the street in fucking NY! My hate of LA has also gotten quite pathetic. I'm having a hard time enjoying it here. I just want to spend my last two years being lazy in Santa Monica and Venice beaches. Instead I work 6x a week and go to school full time. I've got no time for my friends, I'[ve got no time for my family, EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is seriously making me fucking want to rip out a good chunk of someones hair, and I'm happy but this time of year just brings me back to the same time last year, and with me working on his street of residence, and across the street from the first venue that I saw them at, makes it difficult to move on. Like, a year ago, that's when life changed for me. It really was all fun and games till last year. I changed, no one recognizes me, I barely recognize myself. They changed me. I let them change me. Funny, but I always believed you've got to allow people to change you in order to have really experienced life, love, and pain. But to this degree? I owe a lot of positives and negatives to them. Mostly negatives but I'm sure some fucking beautiful day, I'll be okay. I await that day with impatience. It has to come.

So today was a particularly fun day. I finally got my new ipod haha, and my halloween costumes that I'll be wearing at work. I LOVE THEM. OMG they're fucking HOTT, i'll be posting up pictures. And, sadly, I didn't see Nick and Noras Infinite PLaylist cuz people suckkkk :(, and I want to see it cuz it's fucking 4 awesome as shit things in one: Kat Dennings, Micheal Cera, a night out on the town in NY DAMN IT!, and it's about music, so I'm all for it.

So this year just flew. I can't really explain where all this time went, for heavens sake it's 10 months! I fucking bawl like a baby when I think about it. 10 months of all this pain, regret, and internal battles. And I've got quiteee a fewwww of those. About myself, about people, the future, the past, reality, everything.

Anyways, starting on the 15th, I'll be working 16 days in a row, till the 31st, sadly. But Halloween is my all time favoriteeeeeeeeeeee holiday EVER so this will be very exciting, although exhausting as fucking shit, I'm sure.

So, I guess that's pretty much it. Everything's going day by day, yet I'm always thinking about tomorrow. But hey, that hasn't changed. I've ALWAYS been thinking about 'tomorrow'. It's a word/idea/concept that haunts my pathetic life. Always about the day ahead, never this day. And to think I've got CARPE DIEM on my back! FUCKING PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH, BITCH!

O btw, new tats and pericings comming UBER SOON. YAY! And maybe extensions agai, dunno. But yeah, TATTOO MANIA, IM BACK! =D

Much love and peace, <33

School starts tomorrow!

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 05:10:13 GMT

This summer, I must regretfully admit, was pretttyyyyyy fucking shittyyyyyy. The only thing that was wonderful was the fact that I went to San Francisco from August 21st-24th. And it was mother-fucking beautiful, fun, and it was just me n my love, so thats was a super plus. Also, the damn band that I was obsessed with, the Persian one, they finally moved back to New York! Although I feel slight sadness because they have been a part of my life since 11 months ago and no loner will be since they are in a different city, and although I'll miss them, and although I've got to move the fuck on, and although I wish I was in fucking New York as well, I'm pretty glad they're gone. It sounds retarded, but I feel lighter on my heart now that I know they don't haunt this city. Also, I finally got my long-waited Blackberry Cruve loool. So I'm veryyy happy about that, haha. So yeah. Here I am. The day before school starts again. Summer's over, yet again, not any better like I said it would be, like I thought, like I wanted it to be. I also got promoted to assistant manager and got a raise so I work 6 times a week, 8-10 hours a day (depending on what day) and once again, full-time student at school. So this semester will be difficult, but worth it, it'll pay off, and thankfully I've got no distractions like I did last year at the same time (oh lol and by the way, the 29th of September and the 6th of October will be a whoooole year! fuuuuck time flewwwwwwww like crazyyyyyyyyyyyyy) and so yeah, here's to a great semester and to a so-so summer that has passed.

Peace, love, and happiness, please.

-juju bee

P.S. - pix comming soon. and more interesting shit. I'll be updating this.

P.P.S. - flying is scary. and i'm still feeling like everyones moving on and im still stuck, cuz they actually are, to different cities and maybe even states, its crazy. nd some people get everything, that kinda sucks sometimes. also people from my past shouldn't matter, but sometimes i think about them and it starts hurting just a little. but i get over it. so i'm still getting over it and all, but very glad i got to meet these people and experience everything that I did.

Now, this is all.

the learning process.

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:58:07 GMT

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

-Albert Einstein

I must be insane then. I seem to think that maybe, somehow, the outcome of the same actions can differ because of the new characters involved. But they always, sadly, end up the same.

But that's not the biggest issue at hand. What's really been eating at me lately is how I've grown up in the past year. And I mean maturely. Things were such a fucking joke last year, before my whole world changed. I was taught a lot by a couple of very interesting people that I've had the pleasure of interecting with. They taught me good, interesting things, but also the cold, hard truth, the reality of life. The thing is, they don't realize it. And I shouldn't be giving them credit because of the way they taught me these lessons, but in end, I do owe it to them.

And being almost fully recovered (although never again will I be the same after what happened), I just wish to say that the ends pretty bittersweet. I keep reminiscing of the conversations, the time spent, everything that had gone down in that time, and every once in a while I think that if I only called that person, I could have it back. But I can't, and that's a good thing, because I don't want, nor do I need, it back. But those conversations, looking at them from a different point of view, tell me everything I need to know to explain all that arose out of them. First, nothing could have possibly gone any farther due to the fact that I'm an attached, dependent mess, and thankfully stopped everything in due time, before it coulod, I don't even know how, get any worse, and second, the other parties involved just didn't want what I did, although, by the sweet-talk, I thought they were exactly like me.

It's very sad, actually, to what degree this love went to, because it's almost July, and today was the first time, after everything, that I was able to even listen to some fucking songs that reminded me of everything, without breaking down and/or having an asthmatic reaction. I feel silly and ashamed for having wasted all this time, because looking back on these months, I see so clearly what a completely unproductive part of society I was.

But that's the reason I'm writing so much again. I have the passion back, I want to write, I want to express, I want to live and documant it the way I used to. And, this summer, hopefully, will be a turning point in my life. I've gone 18 years, my whole life so far, scared senseless of hard work, of the future, of doing anything big. But I don't want to have that mentality anymore. Life should be enjoyed, opportunities taken. I see that everybody is moving ahead and I want to as well. I also want to do things to expand my intelligence. I've been reading like a mad woman lately. 2 books a week since the summer began. Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis, of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, is an AMAZING READ! I couldn't put the book down until I finished it.

I guess all the realization and wanting to do bigger, better things, and to learn and to grow as a person is called growing up. I guess that's what's happening to me lately. The descent into the process wasn't very nice, but the process itself is a positive thing; I think I'm ready to face life.

Oh, also, I've got something that eggs me on to live life. CARPE DIEM, on my back, right below my neck. I got it last Wednesday, and I love it. It's a constant reminder to go for it, no matter what it may be. Just sieze the day.

Arrivederci.

changes.

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 07:29:11 GMT

People are moving on. Literally. Away, to colleges, to begin their lives as adults. Everyone's changed, they're about to step into the real world, and even though I'm not going through it myself, I'm scared of it and I kind of wish I'd gone through it too. I try not to regret my decision to leave High School, but at times the regret creeps up on me and, alas, i feel like I missed out... But, how would things have been different? I don't know, and maybe I don't need to know. The choice is made, i made it two years ago, and I feel that it played itself out the way it should have.

Here's the catch though: Maybe I'd have been better off in certain aspects of my life had I chosen to do things the normal way. Maybe I shouldn't have even ever left Cleveland? Maybe I should have left Cleveland and gone to Pali, but actually stayed at Pali? Maybe, maybe, maybe. The only 'for sure' thing is that these experiences have sure as shit led me to where I am supposed to be at right now. Which, really, compared to everyone around me, isn't anywhere special, exciting, nor good, really. But life runs its course through the decisions you make; I did what I felt right and ended up here. I guess maybe they're not alwaysthe correct choices, but they're choices, which, when put all together, make up the place that I am at right now.

So I spent a lot of today thinking about the people that have come into my life. Some have stayed, some have fucking over-stayed their welcome, some will always be a part of it, others I'm fucking losing touch with, some I'd loooove to forget, others I can't fucking forget for the life of me, and so on. There's no pattern, really, except for all the broken promises and the believing peoples bullshit. I wish people really thought deeply when they said something, because I take it to heart. Tell me you'll always be there for me, and I'll remember it when I need you. But you end up never being there.. what's up with that? MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. FOLLOW THROUGH. DON'T SAY SHIT YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T CAPABLE OF FUCKING STAYING TRUE TO. Just please, for everyones sake, be real. Don't be fake. Live to the fullest, but exercise caution in what to say and do regarding other's lives. And in yours. You've only got one life, treasure it and the ones that you want in it for the long-haul.

I don't even know anymore. This summer was supposed to be a time for me to finally get my shit straight. Instead, old thoughts of people long gone keep popping up, and it only makes me more confused about the direction I'm supposed to take because I see that everyones moving ahead and I'm not.

I don't know. I wish so bad that I could just forget, but some actions and events are just unforgettable. I just wish all those involved the best, and for myself, I wish to untangle this web of shit that I've created for myself. It's beyond time to get my shit in order. I'm late, in fact, for getting things in order. Somehow, everytime I try, I end up adding a new level to my web. For once, I wanna get rid of the layers and leave only the spider; myself.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 08:22:42 GMT

working again. at Aahs, the one on the Strip in WeHo. I love it.

Things are good.

Getting my a lil something on my 18th, APRIL 2nd, I CAN'T WAIT.

Other than that, right now all I can think about is that damn dress! lol

Writer's Block: Sticks and Stones

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 07:22:51 GMT

What's the meanest thing you've ever said to someone?

View 500 Answers

I told my parents I hated them. It wasn't true, of course, but I was super young and super stupid.

taking it day by day

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 07:16:21 GMT

its pretty much my only fucking choice.

Writer's Block: Let Down

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 07:20:18 GMT

Describe a moment when you were let down.

View 500 Answers

I was let down by broken promises by two people that I thought actually cared. Turns out, they don't give a shit. But, it's a lesson pretty damn well-learned, although I can't say I'd ever felt more raw pain.

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 00:54:43 GMT

So now that I'm back in school I realized just how screwed up I was last semester, I couldn't focus on a single thing my mind was always where it shouldn't have ever been.

This semester will be a good one, I could tell already.

I've still got a lot to do and a lot to sort out in my life, but I guess everything is the way it is because that's the way that it should be.......

i take it back.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 02:54:59 GMT

if i had the chance, i would, so that i could change my actions and NONE OF THIS WOULD HAPPEN.

But, guess what? I can only take so much. And today? That was the last fucking straw.

So... I'm right back to where I started. Only this time, I really am in it all by myself.

I don't need their stupid bullshit, his fucking broken promises and busy fucking life, and my fucking stupidity, for fucking believing everyone, for trusting, for caring, and for wasting my time.

I am so done. I've never meant something more than I do now.

I wonder how they'll like having me be completely fucking careless about them.

I really should have understood that those that don't need me in their lives, I don't need in mine. But now I do.

spring semester starts in exactly a week.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 19:38:04 GMT

And god damn it, the only memorable thing that I've done within the past month and a half is go to Vegas. PATHETIC.

I didn't find a job as was the plan, and I didn't take a class.

I'll have to work 3x as hard this semester to make up for my complete lack of productivity.

Although, honestly, I feel that if I had indeed taken a class or worked, I would have been horrible at it. I had a lot of shit on my mind, I needed to clear my head, ready myself for life as it was supposed to be, before all my interferences.

Now, the thing that I'm terribly afraid of, is that people always realize shit too late. Meaning that the day school starts, well, with my luck, I'll be remembered by a certain someone... and fuckin shit, it won't do me even an ounce of good.

So... I'm kinda done planning now. Long term plans and Julie don't go hand in hand. EVER. The best things, and sometimes the worst, always happen to me just because they were meant to happen. So, I hereby give up planning, and I'm just going to take life as it comes. I hope it works.